To Aru Majutsu no Index – Help, I Think My Face Fell on the Floor

Author: nova

Just when I thought To Aru Majutsu no Index would not yield any more ridiculous shit, episode 6 comes and breaks every damn record. I think I’m finally starting to see the familiarity in Index – this shit is actually funny. In the same way of funny as Code Geass R2 and Night Wizard. Index is the Lolcow of the season, no competition. Toradora? Psh, what is that? Kannagi? Doesn’t even come close. Kyou no Go no Ni? Forget about that shit. Because Index is here and Index rocks.

Now, I’d like to poke fun of Touma going once-fucking-again through the PROTECTIN MA FRIENDS-rethoric we’ve been hearing pretty much non-stop for two whole episodes already (although this time he only takes about 20% of the air time at it), or the hilariously shitty hospital scene (ooh, Index-bite, sure didn’t see that one coming), but instead I’ll waste my time trying to find reasons behind the spectacular athletic capabilities of Touma in the first half of the episode.

Now, the deal is this: Index goes insane for Touma ramming his fingers into her mouth and is going to kill everyone. Aside with Touma and his magic-cancelling hand we got two top-class mages in the room. Index fires a big-ass beam which Touma starts blocking with his hand. Whoo boy, that was close! Now just hold right there and let the mages save the day…or wait, no. Instead of using offensive or defensive magic, trying to distract Index or even buff Touma somehow the mages choose to stand still and gasp like a bunch of flounders on dry land. What does Touma do? Ask for help? Tell them to do fucking anything before his hand is pulverized by the pretty damn nasty beam? No. He once again reminds them about how important it is to PROTECT MA FRIENDS. Looks like I ended up making fun of this anyway, huh? Also, if the hand is supposed to cancel all magic, then what is causing the damage to it?

Oh well, the mages finally snap out of it and manage to distract Index enough to give Touma a chance to run over and touch her with his right hand. Now observe their distance. 5 meters? Barely. 4 meters? Looks more like it. Now Touma grabs his ass and makes a run for it. Back in the measurements lab at the University I remember us learning our paces. My pace is 1.47 meters. That means the distance that my left foot travels when I take the first step with the right one. Of course, we measured the pace at walking speed, but let’s ignore that for now. So if we say the distance between Touma and Index is 4 meters and assume that Touma is about as tall as I am, we can calculate that he needs to take about three paces to reach Index. A bit less in actuality, because he will be able to reach out his hand to her before he arrives to her exact location. Try it out, start walking (starting with your right foot) and count how long it took your left foot to hit the ground three times. Not for long. Try it out when you’re running. Barely a second? Good, now observe.

I think he actually went a bit backwards here.

And that’s one minute mark! Go go go!

We have a winrar.

And the results are in! I decided to cut poor Touma a bit slack because the scene went slow-motion in the end for a bit, so I’ll say he gets 10 seconds off. So that makes 4 meter distance in 1 minute 20 seconds. Now, we Finnish males, especially the ones facing their conscript service, are constantly under fire for being slackers who barely manage to run a Cooper’s test (12 minutes of running) to 2000 meters. Well comrades, fear not. Because at least now you can take a little bit of comfort in the fact that according to the results of the test in the this post, Kamijou Touma would score whopping 36 meters in a Cooper’s test, making a meter of progress every 20 seconds! Yep, that sound you hear is your self-confidence going up a notch, which according to my theory is what JC Staff was after while directing this whole thing.

P.S.
As some of you have pointed out, the spell Index is casting causes space distortion which explains why it took Touma so long to reach the goal. However, since JC Staff didn’t bother adding in an explanation for this at any point (as if there wasn’t enough useless dialogue to cut), there was no way for the viewer to know about it.