Today a sparsely populated country somewhere in Northeast corner of Europe has turned 90. Woot! Merry day of Finnish independence for everyone. Since it’s such a special occasion and I lack any ideas for actually interesting posts, let me now honor my place of birth with a speech.
Oh Finland! You pearl of the North, shining in the beautiful colors of white and blue! Let us all honor your abudant forests, vast lakes and xenophobic nationalists. Let us all remember and dwell in the past, and continue to passionately hate Russians, looking down on Swedes and abuse Estonians. And let us continue to pay large taxes, so that we may always be blessed with unemployed alcoholics smelling in the liquor store doorways, living without worry as the benevolent Social Welfare Agency watches over and takes care of all their needs – remember the Spirit of the Winter War: Kaveria ei jätetä!
Oh Finland! What would be more glorious than live and die for your sake! And so let us have our mandatory military service, so that every male citizen will become entrusted with the knowledge in 18th century leadership, fascism and the honorable skills of skipping work and creatively utilize the abudant swearing words in our beautiful language! And let us love our language, its simple and straighforward grammar, and sounds as beautiful and clear as pure white snow on a cold winter morning.
Oh Finland! Let the morning sun cast its light on your small towns and hardworking, silent people who know that smiling and talking to a stranger in public is only allowed with the aid of alcohol. And please give us understanding towards the people of Helsinki, who live in the supreme land of happiness – the Golden City, Eldorado and Tenochtitlán of the North – where sun always shines and reflects in the beautifully blinding colors of gray and brown! Where people are healthy, happy and always friendly, where nice people will always come to have a pleasant chat with you in the subway stations at dark hours.
All the people of the world! Ten-hut! Salute the colors of Blue and White! The Best, Happiest and Most Beautiful Country In The World, happy birthday!